Little Johnny Jokes That Never Get Old

Little Johnny jokes have been around for years. They are funny comments or short gags about a young boy named Little Johnny. He often answers questions naively or makes funny unintentional puns or jokes.

He goes by many different names across the world. While he is Little Johnny in America and Canada, he goes by the moniker of Joãozinho in Brazil, Toto in France, Mandemba in Senegal, and Lille Ole in Norway. 

While he might go by another name, the nature of Little Johnny and the jokes he is part of are all the same. Some of these jokes are a little cheesy while others are more on the risque side. But they are all very funny. There are literally thousands of Little Johnny jokes, so to help you narrow your search, we’ve collected 30 of the best Little Johnny jokes for you to check out. Prepare to have a few laughs reading through these. 

1. Little Johnny’s class was learning vocabulary in health class, thanks in large part to Johnny’s use of obscene words. The teacher was going down the list, asking students to use the words in a sentence.

“Rectum,” she said, and Johnny eagerly waved his hand, but she had some experience with Johnny, so she called on Susie instead. The next word was “defecate,” and again, she thought it best not to call on Johnny despite his enthusiastically raised hand.

Finally, she came to “urinate,” and figured Johnny couldn’t do much harm with that one. Sure enough, he raised his hand, practically leaping out of his desk to make sure she saw him. “Ok, fine, Johnny,” she said reluctantly.

“Urinate,” Johnny said. “Teacher, urinate. But if your boobs were bigger, you’d be a nine.”

2. The Sunday school teacher asked Little Johnny, “Do you believe in the Devil?” “No,” said Little Johnny. “It’s the same as Santa Claus. I know it’s my daddy.”

3. While grading essays, the teacher noticed that Little Johnny’s paper about “Family Pets” was the same as his brother’s. So she asked, “Why did you copy your brother’s homework?” Little Johnny replied, “No, I didn’t! We just have the same pets.”

4. Little Johnny was struggling with his school grades. One day he surprises his teacher with an announcement. He walks up to her and says, “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!”

5. Little Johnny hated going to church every Sunday. During this particular sermon, Johnny got so bored that he just wanted to go home. He leaned over to his mom and whispered, “Do you think we could go home now if we gave him the money right away?”

6. Little Johnny’s neighbor just had a baby. Sadly, the baby was born without any ears. When the mum and baby came back home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a chat with him and explained how the baby had no ears.

Johnny’s dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the hiding of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood and agreed not to mention the baby’s lack of ears.

Johnny looks in the bassinet and says “Wow, what a beautiful baby.” The mother replies, “Why, thanks, Johnny.” Johnny says, “He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose, and really beautiful eyes. Is he able to see alright?” “Yes,” says the mum, “we are so grateful, the doctor said he will have perfect vision.” “That is great,” says Little Johnny, “because he’d be stuffed if he needed glasses!”

7. The teacher asked the class how they spell the word “elephant.” Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “E-L-E-F-A-N-T.” When the teacher said that it was wrong, he said, “Well, it may be wrong, but that’s how I spell it.”

8. Johnny asked his mother for his allowance a few days early. She said no, but he said that he’d tell her what their cleaning lady said to his father when she was gone. His mother handed him the money. Johnny said, “All dad said was, ‘Make sure you wash my underwear, too.’”

9. Teacher: “How far have you gone with your homework, Johnny?” Little Johnny: “About eight kilometers miss. I went home with it and came back with it this morning.”

10. Little Johnny went on a camping trip. All the tents were taken so he shared with his teacher. Little Johnny says: “Can I play with your belly button? My mom always lets me when we camp.” So the teacher, a little confused but intrigued says “Sure.” Five minutes later the teacher says, “Woah, Woah, Woah, that’s not my belly button!” Little Johnny replies, “Woah, Woah, Woah, that’s not my finger.”

11. Teacher: “Now Little Johnny, be honest, do you say your prayers every night before dinner?” Johnny: “No miss, my mother is a really good cook.”

12. Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life and asked him, “Little Johnny how do you want your wife to be like?” He answered, “Like the moon.” His teacher said, “That’s such a beautiful answer because it’s calm and peaceful.” Little Johnny said, “No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.”

13. Teacher: “Johnny, I want you to say a sentence that begins with the letter i.” Little Johnny: “I is…” The teacher interrupts: “No Johnny, always say ‘I am.'” Little Johnny: “Ok Miss… I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

14. Little Suzy comes home crying to her mom. Mom: “What happened?” Little Suzy: “Today I had an argument with Little Johny and he pulled down his pants and pointed at his wee wee and said, ‘I’m a boy so I have this, you’re a girl so you don’t have this.'” Mom: “Don’t worry darling, when you grow up, if you’re a good girl, you can also have one.” Suzy: “What if I’m a bad girl?” Mom: “Then you will have many…”

15. Little Lucy: “Why do you have two different colored socks on? One’s blue, but the other is green.” Little Johnny: “I’m not sure. It’s weird. There was another pair exactly like this one at home.”

16. A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”

17. Little Johnny’s teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees little Johnny pulling faces at another child. She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says “Johnny when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.” Little Johnny looks up to her and says “Well miss, you can’t say that you weren’t warned.”

18. Little Johnny’s teacher went to pay his family a home visit. When Johnny’s grandpa saw her walking over, he told him to hide. Johnny quickly said, “No way. You need to hide, grandpa. I told her yesterday that I had to go to your funeral.”

19. This week in Little Johnny’s English class, they were learning about punctuation. When they got to periods, Johnny asked, “Why are periods so important?” The teacher informed him and asked why he wanted to know. He said, “When my sister told us that she missed a period, my father began yelling, and my mom passed out.”

20. At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

21. Little Johnny is watching his mum rubbing cold cream on her face and he asks her “why are you rubbing that stuff on your face mother?” His mother replies “to make myself beautiful Johnny.” A few minutes later she starts rubbing the cream off with a tissue. Johnny says to her “What is the matter? Are you giving up?”

22. The teacher decided to teach the children in her class how to count. When it was Johnny’s turn, the teacher asked what came after the number ten. Johnny replied, “That’s easy. A Jack.”

23. One day, Little Johnny told his parents that he was ready to live alone. They were very proud of him and supportive, until Johnny said, “Great, I left your luggage next to the front door. See ya!”

24. Teacher: “Little Johnny, you are late to class again.” Johnny: “But miss, you said that it is never too late to learn.”

25. Little Johnny was sitting in class, and he was behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, “Who created the Earth?” And Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, “My god!” And the teacher says, “Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth.” Sally sits down.

Then, the teacher asks, “Where do you go after you live a good life?” and Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, “Heavens to Betsy!” And the teacher says, “Yes Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life.”

Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gave Little Johnny an angry glare, and she turns around. And then, the teacher asks the class, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?” and Little Johnny pokes Sally harder this time in the back, and Sally jumps, turns around, and says, “If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I’m gonna lose it!”

26. Little Johnny asked his grandpa to croak like a frog. He did it and asked why Johnny wanted to hear him croak. Johnny said, “Mommy said that we’ll be loaded when you croak.”

27. An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, “If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left? One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, “None, because everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away.” The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer.

Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, “No, there would be one – the one that the farmer shot.” The teacher replied, “No, Johnny, you’re wrong, but I like the way you think.”

“OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you,” boasted Johnny. “Let’s say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?”

After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, “Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the inside.” Johnny responded, “No, teacher, you’re wrong – it’s the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think.”

28. Teacher: “Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up.” Class: *no one stands up* Teacher: “Oh c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb.” She waves her finger around the left side of the room. Little Johnny stands up. Teacher: “Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb?”  Little Johnny, “No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.”

29. Little Johnny’s new sibling was crying and screaming for hours. He asked his parents where they got him from. They reply, “Oh, we got him straight from heaven.” Johnny said, “Jeez. I see why they kicked him out of there.”

30. Little Johnny was doing his maths homework. He says out loud, “One plus six, that son of a bitch is seven. Four plus four, that son of a bitch is eight.” His mum overhears this and is shocked! she says to him, “What are you doing Johnny?” Johnny replies, “I am just doing my maths homework.” “And is this how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asks. “Yes,” Johnny replies.

The mother is now angry and immediately phones Johnny’s teacher, “What on earth are you teaching my son in class?” she asks. The teacher replies, “Right now, we are learning mathematical addition.” The mother asks, “And are you teaching them to say one plus six, that son of a bitch is seven?” After the teacher stopped laughing hysterically, she answers, “What I taught them to say was, one plus six, the sum of which is seven.”