How To Accept Your Partner’s Flaws and Solidify Your Relationship
Eventually, the honeymoon stage will be over and the love you have for each other is tested to the extreme (sorry to burst your bubble if you hadn’t figured this out yet). You’re up against the flaws that you used to find adorable and couldn’t get enough of, but now just the thought of them drives you temporarily insane. Accepting your partner’s flaws is the key to a happy, long-term relationship, so if you think she could be the one, you’ll want to keep reading to be able to keep her around for good.
Accept Your Own Flaws
Start by accepting that you also have flaws! No one’s perfect, not even you. We all come with some sort of baggage and acknowledging your own flaws will help you to accept your partner’s. What is it that you bring to the relationship that your partner puts up with? It’s easier to see faults in others than in ourselves but if you think hard enough, you’ll realize that they look past the ones they see in you, and isn’t that enough for you to want to return the favor?
Put Them Into Perspective
Are their flaws really as bad as you think they are? In the heat of the moment that made you frustrated enough to want to google “how to accept your partner’s flaws” and end up here, they can seem like a way bigger deal than they actually are. Frustration can cause you to lose sight of what’s important.
Maybe she’s a huge morning person and wakes you up at 7 am sharp every day, even on weekends, as she makes a smoothie. That extra half an hour in bed might be worth fighting for when you’re groggy and tired but when you’ve finally woken up, put it into perspective. Yes, she might make a racket in the kitchen every morning, but she makes you a smoothie every morning too, right? Points for selflessness. And is there anyone else you’d rather sleep next to even if she does get out of bed earlier than you? If the answer’s no, suck it up.
Choose To Focus on the Positive Traits of Your Partner Instead
Maybe your partner isn’t a great listener but she’s the best person to go to for advice. She might not be able to sit through an entire story about what happened at work without getting distracted, but if you cut to the chase and ask for her advice on a work problem, she’s right there with the perfect solution. Choose to see the positive in your partner because at the end of the day if they didn’t outweigh the negatives, you wouldn’t be with them.
Figure Out Why Their Flaws Trigger You
Your partner’s flaws may not actually be flaws, but triggers that activate a negative emotional response from you. Maybe you plan out your entire week on a Monday morning because you can’t stand being unorganized as it makes you feel uneasy and stressed, whereas your partner will happily go through the week without a schedule.
If you have anxiety and take the steps to plan your schedule to avoid spiraling, your partner taking a different go-with-the-flow approach to her week may activate your anxiety, which says more about you than her.
It’s important to recognize whether your partner’s weaknesses are flaws or just actions that invoke negative emotions. If it’s the latter, you can work on healing yourself and neutralizing your responses. For example, if it’s stress that you’re reacting to, you can look at ways to destress and detach yourself from situations that are out of your control, such as the way your partner runs their week.
Don’t Take Them Personally
Your partner isn’t out to get you. Their flaws aren’t personal vendettas to hurt you. They’re characteristics that have become part of who they are that have been influenced by their surroundings. Think about your own weaknesses that you’ve picked up on your own journey through life. While someone may take offense to them, you haven’t gained your flaws for the purpose of hurting someone else. So, why take your partner’s flaws personally?
Many people think “if they love me, they’d want to change for me,” and this is where it gets personal because you’re thinking as if the only reason they still have whatever flaw you wish they didn’t is that they don’t love you enough. This isn’t true. Some flaws are easily changed, whereas some are deeply rooted in our personality. Don’t confuse a personality trait with their feelings for you. Plus, since we’re talking about accepting your partner’s flaws, they could turn around and say to you, “if you love me, you’d accept me for who I am.”
Try To Find Out the Reasons Behind Their Flaws
You’ll often discover that there are reasons behind people’s weaknesses, and it sure makes accepting them easier when you understand the reasons behind them. Maybe your partner is insecure and lacks self-confidence, but have you ever wondered why that may be? Perhaps their ex-partner cheated on them and left them with very little self-confidence.
When trying to find out the reasons behind your partner’s flaws, stay open-minded and ask questions, never assume.
Let Go of the Idea That You Can Change Anyone Else But Yourself
Surrender to the idea of being able to change someone else, there’s nothing you can do about it unless they actually want to change themselves, anything else is pointless. Once you decide that you want to make a change, it takes consistent effort every day, which you can’t do for them.
By letting go of what’s out of your control, you can focus on the things in your life that you can control, like yourself. Redirect your energy to improve your own weaknesses. By working on being the best version of yourself, you won’t have the time or energy to notice the flaws in anyone else.
Understand That They May Not See Their Flaws as a Negative
Flaws are subjective. You may see a characteristic of your partner as negative, while she and/or everyone else sees it as a positive. For example, maybe she’s super impulsive, which you see as slightly reckless, whereas others (including me) view it as spontaneous.
If they see their “flaws” positively, it’s important that you don’t try to change their mind and paint them in a bad light. Think of it the other way round. How would you like it if they tried to take away one of the best qualities that you’re most proud to have?
Don’t Compare Your Partner’s Flaws to Your Ex
Comparing your current partner to your previous partner is a guaranteed night spent on the sofa. You shouldn’t ever compare the two, especially when it comes to their flaws. Under no circumstances should you say, “I never had to deal with this with my ex!” By saying this you’ll only make them feel bad about themselves and even potentially make them think you’re still hung up on your ex.
No two partners of yours will share the exact same weaknesses, so naturally, you may be used to accepting certain flaws more than others. If your ex suffered from bad anxiety, you’ll probably be more understanding when it comes to anxiety rather than a flaw your new partner has. It doesn’t mean that you’re still in love with your ex, it just means that you’re in new territory and need to learn how to cope with your new surroundings, just like you’ve done before. Your partner is also most likely doing the same thing.
Know the Difference Between Flaws and Deal Breakers
We all have flaws. Some are small, quirky annoyances like leaving your shoes in the middle of the hallway for your partner to trip over every morning, whereas others can be (and should be) huge red flags such as aggression. Sometimes part of the reason why you can’t seem to accept their flaws is that you’re not sure whether you should be accepting them or not. Identifying whether they’re harmless weaknesses or serious deal-breakers can help you to be more accepting of their flaws.
A good way to figure out whether it’s a flaw you should accept is to think about how it makes you feel emotionally. Does it slightly annoy you or are you left feeling drained and mentally exhausted? A successful relationship depends on whether you can accept your partner’s flaws or not, but you shouldn’t accept any in exchange for your mental health.
Turn Off Your Inner Critic
If you’re critical of yourself and focus on your own flaws, you’re way more likely to criticize others, especially those who are closest to you like your partner. Turning off your inner critic will not only make you feel better about yourself, but it’ll also help you to accept your partner’s weaknesses.
Start by talking kindly to yourself. When critical thoughts start to creep into your mind, immediately shut them down. Don’t allow negative thoughts to take up room. The more you reject them, the less you’ll think about yourself and your partner.
Manage Your Expectations
In an ideal world, flaws wouldn’t exist, but this isn’t realistic. So, if you think it’s possible to have the “perfect” partner, think again. Your partner can be perfect for you, but they won’t be perfect. In fact, many of these “flaws” are what make your partner who they are. Embrace them by getting realistic.
It’s important to manage your expectations and not put so much pressure on your partner to be the impossible. Every partner you have will come with flaws to accept. If you can’t accept your current partner’s flaws, you’ll only have to learn to accept someone else’s. Basically, there’s no way around it, so give yourself a reality check, and fast, before you ruin a good thing.
